Harold and Kevin

Back in my younger days, I was a little rambunctious ... OK, maybe I was hyper or spastic or a little psychotic. Whatever it was kept people guessing. I could go on and on about stories from high school but I won't bore you with such trivial, useless rantings from the old days ... OK, you twisted my arm ... just one story from high school.

It was the week following our graduation and I was hanging out with friends in Gulf Shores. A few of us stayed at a friend's house. Harold Britt, Jimmy Doan, Steve Prescott, Jerry Waller and Tony Acuff, and me ... Hopefully, I haven't forgotten anyone. A few other friends were staying at a condo somewhere close. If I remember right it was within walking distance from Harold's place.

One day ... Harold and I had the bright idea to walk to the condo where Scott Chavers, Kevin Savoy and maybe someone else were staying. Now that you know the background .... I'll begin the story.

Light gray clouds parted as the bright afternoon sun made its presence known to its mass of sand-stricken worshippers. The Gulf had never looked better. We had played and celebrated the end of an era and in anticipation of a new beginning. Strolling past the Hangout toward Papa Rocco's, Harold and I talked about what we should do and where we should go once we picked up Savoy from the condo. The walk seemed to take forever in the bright heat of the day. Fortunately, I wore jet black wayfarer's ... I think they were out of style but the good news is they're back. I'm sure I still have mine. Anyway, where was I?

Fearing something may be wrong we slowly eased the condo door open. The creaking sound startled me. I'm sure Harold laughed. You see, just before we knocked, we noticed the door was cracked. Kevin or Scott or the person I can't remember could be in trouble or hurt or .... murdered. Alright, this isn't a suspense thriller. We realized Kevin had not closed the door all the way and was taking a shower. Did you know that opportunity only presents itself a few times? When it does .... Run full speed ahead. You'll love it.

We figured out which room was Kevin's and strategically hid in the closet. At this time in our young lives, we thought it was cool to smoke Hav-a-Tampa skinny cigars. You know, the one's with the wood tip. Maybe it was Swisher Sweets. Either way, Harold and I lit up and puffed like crazy. By the time Kevin finished his shower .... the closet was full of smoke. We could see him through the slats in the wooden bi-fold closet door.

While drying, we heard the first of many sniffs. Immediately, like a bloodhound on the trail of an escaped con, Kevin frantically looked for the source of what he thought was a fire. The trail led him to the closet door. Wearing only a towel, he sniffed .... and as he reached for the closet door, we sprung into action jerking the door open rushing out of the closet, screaming like a band of Indians.

WOW! I have to tell you it was an adrenaline rush ... Oh, not for me and Harold. For Kevin. Did you know it is actually medically possible to scare someone to death? In that moment we realized our joke nearly gave Kevin a heart attack. Needles to say, I don't recall Kevin finding the humor.

I'm not sure what reminded me of this but I hope I've remembered it accurately.

The Oldest Living Valley Girl

OK, so like, here's what happened at dinner. Well, first .. let's talk about the decision to eat at OMG, the Georgia Diner ... Have you ever been there? OK, it totally looks just like an old-fashioned 50's style diner with these really rad tables and ... Anyway, sorry, I like forgot what I was saying. OK, so like, I totally sat down and this really old waitress brought me a menu and took my drink order. I'm not saying she's the oldest living person ... but let me tell you, in like dog years .... she's totally dead! After a few minutes of pondering the delicious looking menu selections, she pranced over to my table. OK, like, she strolled over ... OK, OK, she totally wheeled herself over to take my order. Have you ever wondered what goes through the mind of a deaf person? C'mon, you're deaf ... Why pretend? We need to know your limitations. My limitation is not having a filter in my brain. We all have one. If you can't hear, you may not need to be working in an environment where hearing is an essential job function.

"May I take your order," the old, deaf, valley girl asked.

"I'm not sure, yet," I cheerfully responded. (Yes, I can be cheerful)

The blank stare on her severely wrinkled face should have told me to stop talking. But, you know me ... Just plunge ahead into the dark, abyss of mindless chatter.

After an awkward minute of silence, I continued. "I'm not sure if I want the burger or country fried steak. Is the country fried steak any good?"

"So like, what kind of salad dressing would you like?"

Apparently the look of confusion, self-doubt and shock on my face prompted her to repeat the question. Have you ever had one of those totally crazee moments when you realize you should give up all hope? Abandon ship ... Not me .... further into the valley girl abyss I went ...

"Thousand Island."

"Coming right up."

A few minutes later she brought me a salad with thousand island dressing. A little while later I was served a plate with mashed potatoes and gravy, carrots and broccoli and like this totally rad piece of country fried steak.

People say we should learn something new everyday Here's what I learned today:

1. Never eat at the Georgia Diner in Duluth, GA.

2. Never ask if the country fried steak is good. apparently, that's code for "I'd like the country fried steak."

3. Old, deaf women do not make good waitresses.

4. The oldest, living valley girl retired to Duluth, GA.

5. Leave a nice tip anyway ..

6. And last ... I learned to rock the casbah even though I'm still not sure what that means.

What If

What If ... Money grew on trees? What If ... Pigs could fly? What If ... Hell froze over? Although these are cliches that aren't actually going to happen, we can learn a lesson from them. We have a tendency to what if our lives to death. We constantly ask what if this and what if that. What if questions go along with why questions. How many times have you heard someone ask why? Why did God allow this to happen? What if God had done that? This type of questioning isn't productive and usually leads us in a downward spiral away from God's will.

The only What If question that is productive is to ask yourself ... What If ... we loved each other as Christ loves the Church? The world would be radically different ... WHAT IF ...