Whatever you do ….. don’t answer the phone!!!!!
As you begin reading this chapter of my travel story, please keep this number in mind – 3,107. Repeat it in your mind over and over. 3,107, 3,107, 3,107 …. Don’t forget.
On April 15th I drove from Richardson, TX (Dallas) to Mobile, AL. I had been working in Richardson and was on the way home for Spring Break. Yes, I still get a Spring break! After making it home, we left the next day for Disney World. You may have read the last chapter which included the Saratoga Saga. If you haven’t read it, it’s a classic. Along the same line as my DFW airport experience. It’s also a classic. Anyway, we left Disney and drove back to Mobile. A couple days later, I left for Rock Hill, SC. Apparently, they had a big hail storm and the big guns were needed. OK, maybe not the big guns …. just a place for me to be out of the spotlight. You know they don’t like it when I surface for too long.
The only thing weird about Rock Hill was that I was told I’d be there for a while so I took Turtle – that’s what Shirley named our camper. I think it’s because I travel slow with my house behind me. The campground was part of the former Heritage USA property Jim and Tammy Faye owned. You can still see the castle and Roman-style amphitheatre they built. There was also a replica of the Upper Room and we were told God made His presence known more on this property than any other – I didn’t get that vibe.
So much for being there long – five days later I was off to Durham, NC. Why? Once again, the big guns were needed. Well actually, I wore out my welcome in Rock Hill faster than ever before. It usually takes much longer. So here I go …. Further under the radar. Durham is in the middle of the basketball capitol of the world …. Duke, UNC, Wake Forest, NC State .. all within a few miles. I did get the opportunity to tour Duke’s campus. Way cool! So much for staying here a while – four days in Durham and I’m off to Birmingham.
Pack up the Turtle and head south … to Birmingham. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. What happened you ask? One word – Tony! Some of you know what that means. While cruising through Spartanburg, SC, he called. Have you ever had the feeling you shouldn’t answer a phone call? I had that feeling after I answered. Don’t go to Birmingham … go to Chattanooga. Did you know that according to most GPS units, the best way to get from Spartanburg to Chattanooga is to take I-26 to Asheville, NC? So I’m off …. to Asheville. Did you know there is a large mountain range between Asheville and Knoxville? It’s called the Great Smoky Mountains!!!!! That’s right, the Smoky Freakin Mountains ….. you know, the million feet high mountains. How come my GPS didn’t include that on the map? Don’t you think that’s important information? I am pulling a Turtle, you know. Stupid little box who talks in a weird voice! I hate you!
Anyway, enough about my GPS. Do you know how tough it is to pull a camper up those mountains? If you don’t … it’s hard. A couple times I thought I was about to stop and roll backward. Wouldn’t that have been funny? So I was just plugging along and all the sudden we went to one lane. Do you know how many 18 wheelers go through the Smokey Mountains? Hundreds, maybe thousands. And they were all in front of me! One lane through some gorge … 26 miles of straight up rock with signs reading Watch Falling Rocks. Oh great, that’s all I need! Mountains collapsing on my Turtle. One lane over the mountains took over an hour and a half. So my 9 hour drive to Birmingham turned into an 11 ½ hour drive to Chattanooga. All because I answered the phone.
Now you understand the significance of the number 3,107 – That’s how many miles I’ve driven since leaving Richardson. Here’s how it went – Richardson, TX to Mobile, AL to Disney World, FL to Mobile, AL to Rock Hill, SC to Durham, NC to Spartanburg, SC to Asheville, NC to Knoxville, TN to Chattanooga, TN. Did I mention I hate mountains? And gorge’s and talking idiot boxes on my windshield and answering you know who’s phone calls. Oh and I also hate leaving NC and going to SC only to go back to NC in order to get to TN. Did you know the Cherokee National Forest is in NC and TN? I drove through it in both …. I hate that place! Stupid Cherokee’s … why do you have to have such a big forest?
Been in Chattanooga three days now ….. bout time to move aga …… OH NO, he’s calling again!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Saratoga Saga
Ever had that feeling? You know, the one that lets you know IF something can go wrong … it WILL. Keep that in mind as you read.
Some of you may not be familiar with my travel-adventure stories – so here’s some background. When I travel, Bad things happen. I mean, real BAD. I usually end up in situations that require my expert sense of direction and navigation skills. Last week, I needed my Native American tracking and trail blazing skill.
You see, it all started with three girls and a guy who decided to take a Spring Break trip to Disney World – the one in Orlando, not the little pretend one in Cali.
Fast forward to after the drive to Orlando. So, here we are … walking across Hotel Plaza Blvd toward the Downtown Disney bus stop. Since we were the only ones there, one of the drivers took us to EPCOT in a van. We talked about all kinds of things as he drove and finally he told us to take the Disney bus to Saratoga Springs when we’re ready to leave the park. Apparently, there are some busses that go to the parks and others to the hotels. He said it would be easier to get to our non-Disney hotel by taking the bus to Saratoga and walking across the street. Sounds easy, right?
Now we have to fast forward … Again. It’s about 8 pm and we’re eating dinner at the Brown Derby in the park formerly known as MGM. I think it’s now called Hollywood Studios. How’d we get here from EPCOT? Simple, we rode what we wanted to ride there and went to Hollywood. Dinner was great … Shirley had the Cobb salad, which is excellent if you’re in the mood for salad. I had the filet.
Sometimes, eating late bothers my system … in other words, I had an upset stomach … I went to the bathroom and tossed my filet … Ok, Ok, I puked.
We left the park and were waiting for the bus to Saratoga Springs. By the way, I hope I never stay at that resort! I puked a couple times while waiting. Do you know how long it takes those busses to show up? Anyway, now we’re on the bus … I think he took the long way to Saratoga. While approaching the first stop, the driver said pay attention to where you’re staying because there are several stops inside this resort. GREAT, we’re not staying here. We just want to walk across the street to our hotel – The Buena Vista Palace Hotel and Spa. We highly recommend this place … it’s fantastic. They have two pools and a couple restaurants, a spa and a great rental car office where you can rent really cool Nissan’s. Anyway …..
I looked at Shirley and said we gotta get off this bus, I’m about to puke again. BIG Mistake. Did you know it’s about a mile and a half from the back of Saratoga to the front?
Here we are walking from one building to the other looking for the main. After a couple more upchucks, we saw a map. Some of you may remember my map reading skills. We traced where we were to where we needed to be …. Sound familiar?
Here’s where the trek begins.
We walked down a sidewalk until it ended … finally found a building with a bathroom. You know why we were looking. After another sidewalk ended we walked down a dark street that led to another sidewalk that ended at a flowerbed. We had been walking toward the top of our hotel that could be seen over the majestic southern pines lit in Disney neon.
“There it is,” I shouted while pointing at the main building. The only thing standing between us and freedom from this Saratoga Jungle was the massive flower bed. I went first … after all; I’m the tracking-direction expert. Ten steps in we realized the bushes were kinda pointy … holly bushes. Man, those things hurt. Shirley followed with Delaney and Ashlyn behind. Uphill through the flowery maze of the Disney-manicured prickly topiaries ….. Finally to an opening in the jungle – an expansive clearing stretching for hundreds of yards. FREEDOM just before the main building ….. I think it was the fourth hole. That’s right; we’re standing on a tee box.
As Washington proudly crossed the Delaware, we crossed the Saratoga golf course. I wish they had put that on the map! Lewis and Clark would be proud. Well ….. maybe Clark Griswold …..
Finally, we made it to our hotel … after the mile and a half romp. We left Hollywood Studios at 9 pm … it’s now close to midnight. Aren’t you exhausted? Were ready to go back … to Disney, not Saratoga!
By the way …. On day two, we found out our hotel ran a shuttle to the parks. We tried it and that night they dropped us at the front door of our hotel. Never listen to a Disney bus driver. Shirley suggested we ride the hotel shuttle on day one but what does she know about navigation?
Oops, I almost forgot … the battery in our Honda Pilot was dead when we tried to leave Orlando. And …. Be careful ordering Happy Meals in Tallahassee …. These are stories for another day.
Some of you may not be familiar with my travel-adventure stories – so here’s some background. When I travel, Bad things happen. I mean, real BAD. I usually end up in situations that require my expert sense of direction and navigation skills. Last week, I needed my Native American tracking and trail blazing skill.
You see, it all started with three girls and a guy who decided to take a Spring Break trip to Disney World – the one in Orlando, not the little pretend one in Cali.
Fast forward to after the drive to Orlando. So, here we are … walking across Hotel Plaza Blvd toward the Downtown Disney bus stop. Since we were the only ones there, one of the drivers took us to EPCOT in a van. We talked about all kinds of things as he drove and finally he told us to take the Disney bus to Saratoga Springs when we’re ready to leave the park. Apparently, there are some busses that go to the parks and others to the hotels. He said it would be easier to get to our non-Disney hotel by taking the bus to Saratoga and walking across the street. Sounds easy, right?
Now we have to fast forward … Again. It’s about 8 pm and we’re eating dinner at the Brown Derby in the park formerly known as MGM. I think it’s now called Hollywood Studios. How’d we get here from EPCOT? Simple, we rode what we wanted to ride there and went to Hollywood. Dinner was great … Shirley had the Cobb salad, which is excellent if you’re in the mood for salad. I had the filet.
Sometimes, eating late bothers my system … in other words, I had an upset stomach … I went to the bathroom and tossed my filet … Ok, Ok, I puked.
We left the park and were waiting for the bus to Saratoga Springs. By the way, I hope I never stay at that resort! I puked a couple times while waiting. Do you know how long it takes those busses to show up? Anyway, now we’re on the bus … I think he took the long way to Saratoga. While approaching the first stop, the driver said pay attention to where you’re staying because there are several stops inside this resort. GREAT, we’re not staying here. We just want to walk across the street to our hotel – The Buena Vista Palace Hotel and Spa. We highly recommend this place … it’s fantastic. They have two pools and a couple restaurants, a spa and a great rental car office where you can rent really cool Nissan’s. Anyway …..
I looked at Shirley and said we gotta get off this bus, I’m about to puke again. BIG Mistake. Did you know it’s about a mile and a half from the back of Saratoga to the front?
Here we are walking from one building to the other looking for the main. After a couple more upchucks, we saw a map. Some of you may remember my map reading skills. We traced where we were to where we needed to be …. Sound familiar?
Here’s where the trek begins.
We walked down a sidewalk until it ended … finally found a building with a bathroom. You know why we were looking. After another sidewalk ended we walked down a dark street that led to another sidewalk that ended at a flowerbed. We had been walking toward the top of our hotel that could be seen over the majestic southern pines lit in Disney neon.
“There it is,” I shouted while pointing at the main building. The only thing standing between us and freedom from this Saratoga Jungle was the massive flower bed. I went first … after all; I’m the tracking-direction expert. Ten steps in we realized the bushes were kinda pointy … holly bushes. Man, those things hurt. Shirley followed with Delaney and Ashlyn behind. Uphill through the flowery maze of the Disney-manicured prickly topiaries ….. Finally to an opening in the jungle – an expansive clearing stretching for hundreds of yards. FREEDOM just before the main building ….. I think it was the fourth hole. That’s right; we’re standing on a tee box.
As Washington proudly crossed the Delaware, we crossed the Saratoga golf course. I wish they had put that on the map! Lewis and Clark would be proud. Well ….. maybe Clark Griswold …..
Finally, we made it to our hotel … after the mile and a half romp. We left Hollywood Studios at 9 pm … it’s now close to midnight. Aren’t you exhausted? Were ready to go back … to Disney, not Saratoga!
By the way …. On day two, we found out our hotel ran a shuttle to the parks. We tried it and that night they dropped us at the front door of our hotel. Never listen to a Disney bus driver. Shirley suggested we ride the hotel shuttle on day one but what does she know about navigation?
Oops, I almost forgot … the battery in our Honda Pilot was dead when we tried to leave Orlando. And …. Be careful ordering Happy Meals in Tallahassee …. These are stories for another day.
Monday, March 28, 2011
What to Do
People keep asking when my novels will be in print. If I'm ever going to publish. Guess it's time. I'm contemplating making them available in the digital world through e readers like the Kindle, iPad, Nook, etc. I've been reading about how to go about it but apparently my attention span isn't long enough to figure it out. HELP!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Substitute Teachers .....
How come teachers are the only one who have to find substitute’s when they’re sick or just taking the day off? Have you ever noticed that? If you work at the newspaper, you don’t have to find a substitute … work goes on without you. Not with teachers. They can’t leave our kids unattended. I’ve been around my kids …. a lot … I know they can’t be left unattended.
What if your accountant had to find a substitute on the day you were meeting to work on your tax return? You wouldn’t be happy to find out he called in his barber to be his sub. What is the guy who’s in charge of launching the space shuttle had to be out on lift day? Here’s that conversation:
Head Shuttle Launch Engineer: “I’m gonna be out tomorrow, can you fill in as my sub?”
Shuttle Engineer’s Lawn Boy: “Aren’t you launching tomorrow?”
Head Shuttle Launch Engineer: “Yea, but don’t worry. It’s the last mission, anyway.”
Shuttle Engineer’s Lawn Boy: “I wish I could but I’ve gotta mow, and edge Old Lady Smith’s yard.”
“Alright, thanks anyway.”
“Maybe your pool man can sub?”
“Good idea, thanks.”
“Hey, pool man. Can you sub for me tomorrow?”
“Like, fer sure, dude. I’d love to launch the shuttle.”
This is why teachers are the only one’s who get sub’s. Actually, maybe Congress needs to get a few sub’s?
What if your accountant had to find a substitute on the day you were meeting to work on your tax return? You wouldn’t be happy to find out he called in his barber to be his sub. What is the guy who’s in charge of launching the space shuttle had to be out on lift day? Here’s that conversation:
Head Shuttle Launch Engineer: “I’m gonna be out tomorrow, can you fill in as my sub?”
Shuttle Engineer’s Lawn Boy: “Aren’t you launching tomorrow?”
Head Shuttle Launch Engineer: “Yea, but don’t worry. It’s the last mission, anyway.”
Shuttle Engineer’s Lawn Boy: “I wish I could but I’ve gotta mow, and edge Old Lady Smith’s yard.”
“Alright, thanks anyway.”
“Maybe your pool man can sub?”
“Good idea, thanks.”
“Hey, pool man. Can you sub for me tomorrow?”
“Like, fer sure, dude. I’d love to launch the shuttle.”
This is why teachers are the only one’s who get sub’s. Actually, maybe Congress needs to get a few sub’s?
Monday, February 21, 2011
Citizen Trade ... New Immigration Policy
New Immigration Policy
Politicians tell us our nation’s immigration policy is complex and not easy to fix. It doesn’t seem complex to me. With a few simple changes, we can update our immigration policy and make everyone happy. It’s called intelligent compromise … apparently our elected lawmakers do not have the ability to think creatively and solve this problem. That’s why I’m solving it for them.
Think like a professional sport general manager. At some point in the season you start thinking about making trades with other teams to make your team better, stronger, faster, etc. That’s the concept behind our new immigration policy. Every year, we have a trade deadline – April 15 – it’s already a national deadline so we may as well work with what we have. We take the people we don’t want any more and trade for hard-working, loyal, proud, dedicated, humble citizens from other countries. Simple but effective. We get people we want and get rid of a few idiots.
I’d take 4 Haitians, and a Cuban for Vince Neil … not Vince Neil when he was skinny, cool and could scream like a girl with Motley Crue, but fat Vince Neil who is now an embarrassment to all metalheads.
Val Kilmer is worth 2 Guatemalans and one Mexican … young, Top Gun Val would have been worth more … not so much now that his flight suit would be a hot air balloon.
Flavor Flav – Not worth anything so we’ll have to see if we can unload him in a multi-citizen trade.
We could probably do without Allen Iverson permanently. Right now, he’s on loan to Turkey. We may have to give up Tiger so they’ll keep him.
Citizen Trade is the way to go. The possibilities are endless.
Politicians tell us our nation’s immigration policy is complex and not easy to fix. It doesn’t seem complex to me. With a few simple changes, we can update our immigration policy and make everyone happy. It’s called intelligent compromise … apparently our elected lawmakers do not have the ability to think creatively and solve this problem. That’s why I’m solving it for them.
Think like a professional sport general manager. At some point in the season you start thinking about making trades with other teams to make your team better, stronger, faster, etc. That’s the concept behind our new immigration policy. Every year, we have a trade deadline – April 15 – it’s already a national deadline so we may as well work with what we have. We take the people we don’t want any more and trade for hard-working, loyal, proud, dedicated, humble citizens from other countries. Simple but effective. We get people we want and get rid of a few idiots.
I’d take 4 Haitians, and a Cuban for Vince Neil … not Vince Neil when he was skinny, cool and could scream like a girl with Motley Crue, but fat Vince Neil who is now an embarrassment to all metalheads.
Val Kilmer is worth 2 Guatemalans and one Mexican … young, Top Gun Val would have been worth more … not so much now that his flight suit would be a hot air balloon.
Flavor Flav – Not worth anything so we’ll have to see if we can unload him in a multi-citizen trade.
We could probably do without Allen Iverson permanently. Right now, he’s on loan to Turkey. We may have to give up Tiger so they’ll keep him.
Citizen Trade is the way to go. The possibilities are endless.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Horse Meat on a Stick
National Redneck Day: Daytona 500
Today is National Redneck Day or what some call the Daytona 500. I've been thinking about this today. Rednecks show up by the thousands to watch NASCAR drivers race around a track. We all make fun of these wacko, inbred fools who drink too much, fight and make the rest of the white race look stooooppid. But, ...when we take a similar track, put grass or dirt on it, line up horses and jockey's ... we get a sophisticated, upper-class, calm, wine-tasting party known as horse racing. How can adding horses change the atmosphere that much? I think both would be more exciting if they were combined. That's right, sports fans ... let the horses race the cars. More wrecks, more blood, more fun and horse meat on a stick afterwards.
Today is National Redneck Day or what some call the Daytona 500. I've been thinking about this today. Rednecks show up by the thousands to watch NASCAR drivers race around a track. We all make fun of these wacko, inbred fools who drink too much, fight and make the rest of the white race look stooooppid. But, ...when we take a similar track, put grass or dirt on it, line up horses and jockey's ... we get a sophisticated, upper-class, calm, wine-tasting party known as horse racing. How can adding horses change the atmosphere that much? I think both would be more exciting if they were combined. That's right, sports fans ... let the horses race the cars. More wrecks, more blood, more fun and horse meat on a stick afterwards.
Black NASCAR Drivers .....
Sarcastic, satirical humor is my obsession. In my mind, if it's somewhat offensive ... it's funny. There are limits though and a few topics I don't address but for the most part, everything is funny. It's fun to exploit our stereotypes, add a touch of truth, dabble in a little sarcasm and laugh until it hurts. That's my intent .. I hope you laugh. OUT LOUD.
It doesn’t make a difference if you’re a practicing or recovering alcoholic. I don’t care if you shoot heroin, smoke crack or dip Skoal. Maybe you’re addicted to coffee, chocolate, picking your nose or picking your butt. If you’re a stereotype ... you can bet you’ll laugh by the time you leave this blog.
If you're bulimic, keep a trash can nearby and if you're a skinhead ... well, go ahead and shoot yourself. No matter who you are or what you do to live, thrive and survive ... I hope you laugh. Suit up, this is gonna be legendary.
How come there aren't any black NASCAR drivers? ... There isn't a police car at the back of the pack.
It's never a good idea to show up at your local battered women's shelter and ask: What did you do to deserve this?
The recession has been tough. I just saw a tow truck with a sign that read: Drink and Drive, We need the business.
There are only two tools anyone will ever need: Duct Tape and WD-40. If it moves and isn't supposed to ... use tape. If it doesn’t move and should ... use WD-40.
I'm tired of having a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
There’s nothing to fear but fear itself. What a stupid statement. What about spiders, snakes, raccoons who mock me, the lead singer from Sha-Na-Na, and Chuck Norris?
It doesn’t make a difference if you’re a practicing or recovering alcoholic. I don’t care if you shoot heroin, smoke crack or dip Skoal. Maybe you’re addicted to coffee, chocolate, picking your nose or picking your butt. If you’re a stereotype ... you can bet you’ll laugh by the time you leave this blog.
If you're bulimic, keep a trash can nearby and if you're a skinhead ... well, go ahead and shoot yourself. No matter who you are or what you do to live, thrive and survive ... I hope you laugh. Suit up, this is gonna be legendary.
How come there aren't any black NASCAR drivers? ... There isn't a police car at the back of the pack.
It's never a good idea to show up at your local battered women's shelter and ask: What did you do to deserve this?
The recession has been tough. I just saw a tow truck with a sign that read: Drink and Drive, We need the business.
There are only two tools anyone will ever need: Duct Tape and WD-40. If it moves and isn't supposed to ... use tape. If it doesn’t move and should ... use WD-40.
I'm tired of having a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
There’s nothing to fear but fear itself. What a stupid statement. What about spiders, snakes, raccoons who mock me, the lead singer from Sha-Na-Na, and Chuck Norris?
Stereotypes make me laugh because I wonder how they develop. Are they based on some level of truth that gets exploited or are they made up myths and urban legends. Either way, they make me laugh. Mainly because I'm a stereotype.
Since I’m a history buff …. I’ll find you more interesting when you’re dead.
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